What I Wish My Partner Knew...
Made by Akansha Das
What do you wish your partner knew? During that relationship when sex became solely about your partner’s pleasure? About that one-night stand that you wish hadn’t happened? About that time in your life when sex became too painful to tolerate? The Women’s+ Health Collective posed this question to our community a couple of weeks ago and gathered quite the array of answers. We’ve put together these responses so that you know that you are not alone in your thoughts.
Some are just asking for the basic decency and respect of continual consent…
“It took many terrible sexual experiences for me to realize that neither myself nor many of my partners understood consent. From my ex-husband to many of the one night stands and even boyfriends I've had since then. I've been put in positions where either I blatantly said no or I was less than enthusiastic about it and it still happened. I look back on some of those situations and I don't know if it's just that they would have ignored me no matter what I said or if they (and I) felt they were entitled to sex. I know better now, but I understand how easy it is to get into a situation where you don't feel you have control or it's easier just to get it over with. That should not in any way be acceptable from either side, everyone needs to be taught about enthusiastic consent. Possibly even more importantly, that if you change your mind at any point, for any reason, you can withdraw that consent and everything should stop. As women I think there is inherent fear and shame surrounding sex because of our lack of sexual education in this country. Personally this has lead to issues with being able to openly communicate with any of my partners about sex and sexual health.”
Many want to be able to enjoy rather than endure sex…
“I wish I would have told my partner that I couldn’t feel anything in certain positions. He seemed really into it and asked if I liked it. I said yes to make him feel good but it didn’t do anything for me at all.”
“I wish my partner understood that intercourse is not always pleasurable for me and can be painful at times.”
Some have elements of their past - from purity myths to unhealthy sexual experiences - that continue to impact sex with their current partners...
“There are so many things like this that I struggle with; this is just the tip of the iceberg. I experienced such emotionally unhealthy sexual experiences when I was far too young and had no safe adult to guide or warn me. I feel broken, sexually speaking, as if I will never enjoy sex or want it for the rest of my life, but I dare not tell my husband that because he will take it personally and I worry he will go elsewhere for it.”
“I think I just associated a lot of shame with my vagina and for the longest time I was even uncomfortable looking at it or getting to know it. I felt so much shame and insecurity that my body isn’t able to do something that it’s supposed to be able to do. I saw a pelvic floor physical therapist and that was helpful & liberating but this is still very much a process. I haven’t gotten to where I want to be yet but I’m having patience with myself and have a really amazing partner who is so gentle.”
Some demand an equal prioritization of their needs, pleasure, and orgasms during sex...
“As I get older, I need more foreplay to help my body relax so I can enjoy it.”
“I wish I had spoken up more about things I wanted to do during sexual encounters, rather than letting him take the lead with positions and activities.”
“I wish he understood that many women can't reach orgasm from intercourse and that it takes other ways to get there.”
Some need empathy and support from their partners as they navigate their unique journey with their sexuality in an especially sex-negative world…
“I have a unique experience with my sexuality. I am a transgender woman, and I'm a lesbian. Being non-op, I still have the genitalia I was born with. I want to experience sex as a woman, with a woman. That has been very hard to explain and understand. I'm still figuring it out myself. I want my partners to know that I'm still learning my body and my sexuality. I'm still figuring out what I like and what I need. I need patience and compassion. My partners are going to have to know that I need care and understanding.”
“My sexuality has not had an opportunity to develop. I have been rigorously taught faulty beliefs. Faulty beliefs which required me to instinctively develop [a] life saving defense mechanism. I am in unreleased trauma, scanning endlessly for a sense of safety. When I do not see a way out, I dissociate. Dissociation is my taught "faulty calm". When approaching me sexually, please do not reinforce those faulty beliefs. Instead, encourage and affirm me on my healing journey to learn the truth of me. Help me learn I am safe and I am worthy of love.”
Some wish they were able to communicate with their partners about their sexual health needs…
“I also wish that he sometimes doesn’t focus on my orgasm because sometimes I get too worked up and then have a meltdown about it, which could be avoided with better communication”
“I wish my partner would tell me when they are in the mood earlier(sometimes I just don’t know and I eat too much so I’m not in the mood).”
“Eventually we did discuss it and he actually wanted me to tell him when I couldn’t feel things, he wanted to make sure that I was having a good time also.”
“I wish I had discussed in depth my wants, likes, and dislikes. It really brings you closer.”
“I have been putting my sexual partner first for as long as I have been sexually active. I didn't learn anything about my own needs until I was into my 40s. It is difficult pattern to break because due to my early teen experiences I learned to use sex for attention, feeling loved, and for control. What I really needed was to find out how my own body works, to understand that I have a right to get my needs met too. One thing I still cannot bring myself to ask for is for my partner to come outside of my body because I really hate the feel of having his cum inside of my body, followed by it dripping out all over the place and having to waddle to the bathroom with a towel between my legs. I hate everything about it. I hate the smell, the feel, the taste. But I don't tell him very often because I know it feels best for him to come inside of me. I feel this sense of shame, like I SHOULD be okay with it because I know other people who don't mind it at all.”
Finally, some wish their partners knew all the factors that goes into their consent for sex...
“I wish my husband could understand the battle of feelings I have when he asks me, “Wanna have sex tonight?” If it is a bad time of my cycle, or if my vulva skin is red and irritated and sex is likely to be painful in some way, my brain answers, “No.” But my emotions reply, “Wait, how long has it been? Was it painful last time? How much do I want this? Can I just get through it? Will I be disappointing him yet again?” And so my logical and emotional sides battle in a complicated way, leaving me confused even after a yes or no answer. If we do have sex and it is painful, my brain says, “What did you do that for? That hurts! Don’t you think you should stop this?” But my heart knows that I desire it, knows I can’t just cut it out of my life, and knows that pleasing my husband and him pleasing me is part of our marriage, a marriage that has been and is, very good. Emotionally dealing with this mixing of pain and pleasure is hard. I can’t even put words to it, much less talk with him about how it feels. So I just go on, continuing my internal battle that leaves me oftentimes feeling wounded.
This piece embodies many roles. An ode about the failings of the current American sex education program. A letter to partners everywhere about what their partners wished they knew. An informational piece of allyship for the general public about the sexual needs of marginalized populations, especially women+ and LGBTQ+ folk. A recognition that every person is unique in their sexual needs and desires. But on the most fundamental level, this piece is to remind us that #MeToo simply started a dialogue about sexual health and consent that must be expanded open with conversations about communication, individual sexualities, sex-positivity, and orgasm and pleasure inequalities. We won’t get there overnight. But the basic human qualities of consent, empathy, understanding, support and communication can make all the difference.
Compiled by Akansha Das, WHC Premed Student Volunteer